Velcro

The Before times

Velcro is unique, this is his story, his father was birthed accidentally in 1944 when an experimental reflex sighted Garand battle rifle wounded British plumber Doris Loins as she was repairing the hot water tank at a front line army base in the Ardennes.

The rifle was at the time being held by Private Cleatus Spung, Americas finest, who had what was described as a sudden bust of excitement upon seeing the futuristic weapon, leading to the weapon requiring cleaning and Doris requiring stitches.

All seemed well until Doris unexpectedly found herself with child three months later, as a 'good girl' Doris was very confused at this apparent miracle until she remembered exactly where the bullet wounded her and how VERY excited Cleatus was at seeing that gunsight.

So it came to pass that in 1945 the young Brian Judas Spung-Loins was born, he was immediately abandoned by his mother and so was placed by well wishers aboard a liberty ship bound for new york carrying over 1000 tons of salvaged nazi nerve agents with an envelope bound to his neck with string bearing his fathers name and $18 48c in loose change.

He lived an uneventful life the many head injuries he received from the other children left him quiet and withdrawn at school, in 1960 he got his first job, as a crash test dummy at the new ford edsel plant where he met the woman who would be his wife, Convicted serial killer 'bloody' Mara O Hoolahan, black widow Mara would marry lonely men then eat their faces on the wedding night, nobody ever knew why.

But Brian was different, she ate his liver and most of his left leg too and so it was that in 1967 Velcro was born in the Detroit house of correction his mother having been too 'consumed' by the act of eating Brian to make her escape.

The Early Years.

After doctors threw a coin to decide which to throw away Velcro was fished out of the afterbirth and into a new life, adopted before his mothers date with old sparky the young Velcro was taken into the home Mr and Mrs Applewhite, dad Marshall and mom Bonnie or Do and Te as friends would later know them were avid ufo spotters and liked nothing better than hanging out with a few hundred friends at their desert compound.

Sadly though this carefree life was to come to an end after the murder/suicide of Velcros entire family and friends in 1997, the sole survivor Velcro had been left behind because as his father told him the aliens think youre a dick.

Although sad the death of everyone he knew left Velcro free to pursue his great passions in life, Pixies frontman 'black' Francis, early American non magnifying rifle optics and women hating.

In 2001 Velcro was arrested hiding in bathroom of black francis 's LA home with cable ties, chloroform, an air soft pistol and  a christmas card marked to the best daddy in the world, at the time Velcro claimed he was there to protect Francis from Muslims, no Muslims were discovered in or around the bathroom.

While in Jail awaiting trial Velcro discovered video games, his parents only had colecovision because they feared more modern consoles as the work of 'the borg' and so the all new X box changed his life, even after being freed on a technicality (no lawyer could be found to either prosecute or defend the case as being around Velcro was described as  just awful  ) he would play games 23-23.5 hours a day stopping only once an hour to jerk off. After some years the 'battlefield'' series of games became his favourite but this was to lead to his downfall

Madness Strikes

After reaching what he considered its peak in 2016 with 'Battlefield 1' the games franchise was to deal velcro the blow from which he would never recover in 2018 the long promised Battlefield V was released, set in the early to mid 1940s it had A WOMAN ON THE COVER, this jarring sight broke Velcros immersion, an immersion that he had been under since his rejection by daddy francis 17 years before and as his immersion broke so did his sanity.

He took to chewing his nails and when he ran out he would chew other peoples, he would wear eyeliner on his teeth and lipstick in his hair or on his nose, he couldn't...make-up his mind what to do with it, he would stand outside shops with women in them and scream 'WIMMIN, WW.. WIMMIN, 1944, FUCKING BASTARD IMMERSION '' until told to go away.

At one point he was even arrested for sellotaping a 1953 reflex shotgun sight to a stick and aiming and making pew, pew sounds at any passing women, the state was forced to take action and in 2019 he was officially lobotomised with a harbour freight hammer drill and released on his own recognisance. Although less openly dangerous he was now so prone to endlessly repeating himself in an ever more bizarre and convoluted manner to anyone on social media on the subjects of women, vidya and mid 20th century optical sights that several people have been known to either commit suicide or mute his account after interacting with this disaster.